I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
Cause your way of greeting people at the club was grabbing a tit and jiggling it while yelling a name, which usually wasn't theirs, and guys weren't safe either.
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
There are two guys's cum on my sheets. Be a man and be the third.
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
