Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
thank you for introducing me to everyone on chat roulette as I was passed out.
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
She got the hiccups while deep throating me. It was epic. Once in a lifetime experience.
I knew he was a classy dude because when I told him my name was Jen he said "Gin? Like Gin & Juice?"
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
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