im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
that moment you remember partying with someone several years ago.. and don't remember if you slept with them or not.
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
Can you explain the Transformers set up for battle in my living room?
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize
