I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
He was crying to my sister about feeling like a bad person. Then he groped my breasts.
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
whoa whoa whoa, you're saying I shouldn't post pics of you balls deep in a southern hottie?
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
Randomize
