i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
do you think they make care bear costumes for cats?
It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
Ecstasy body chair massage shower sex fest this week?
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
Was he good-huge or like "what the fuck do i do with this"-huge
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize
