So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
I'm done, I have no more memes or ways to ask for nudes, so yeah
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
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