So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
Is it bad to go up to the security desk and ask them for the name of the guy I signed in last night? I have absolutley no clue
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
We followed the campus tour around in a golf cart drinking PBR and blasting "Sexual Healing."
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
I had sex with a Dutch boy on a rock last night. Happy graduation! x x
started my period, we have to try again next week
if we have anymore sex before that my dick is gonna fall off. that is in no way a complaint
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
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