Why are you such a perv today?
This is a lot to handle
Oh shh
I'm kidding you prude take a joke
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
Randomize
