the beds are so narrow its like a jenga threesome
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
I ended up on the roof were calling it a tie
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
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