my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
The hot Japanese girl in my class just said her "favorite sexy American actor is Nick Cage." That, I can work with.
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
am i gonna have visuals on this?
you are gonna see the trees puking up fireworks and ninja pheonixes will shit rainbows and fire
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
Randomize
