Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
Who would have thought google would have HELPED me fail a test...not pass...thank you pacman, thank you google....
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
I am VERY upset that you called my fiesta a waste of time.
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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