Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
All I remember is him trying to go down on me, but I guess I was too busy making out with his brother
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Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
Just got flashed by an entire bus of girls in school uniforms. We then had to wait beside each other at a light. It was awkward.
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
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I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
She made me baby bird juul smoke to her while we were fucking
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