just saw Chris Hanson on the street. looked immediately around for video cameras. why is that my immediate reaction?
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
? I'm just sitting watching something borrowed alone, crying in my boxers , feel like I should probably do something
Randomize
