i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
I think this dress is screaming I want a birthday 3some with two moderately attractive guys. I hope.
we fucked to don't stop believing. most epic sex EVER.
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
i just went 2 months without giving head... thats like two months without coffee. or two months without sun.
Whatever. I indirectly made you cum overseas. Call it even.
I actually kinda like her but everyone else hates her, so consider it a third party grudgefuck.
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
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