I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
I dont think problem is the right word. Problems arent something you enjoy. Life would be too boring without gambling.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
He had bigger boobs than me last night and we both weren't wearing a bra so it was a fair judgement
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
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