a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
she's into porn, im staying here tonight
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
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You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
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You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
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