If i come over, it means nothing
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
Idk he's just laying there passed out with a French fry up his nose and without any pants on. Boner and everything.
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
Spring Fling is on 420. The theme better be 'Flower Child'.
I want there to be fog machines and unicorns.
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
By chance and just chance did you find a cock ring? By chance
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
I have rug burns on my nipples. Thanks for being an awesome wing girl.
Randomize
