I call biggest shit show at the party. I welcome all challengers.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
just tripped. bootyfest 2012 will be my engagement party. i saw the whole future. i'm moving to the beach.
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
............HELP Ive been abducted by vodka and its poisoning my brain fat chicks are getting cute and i slept with my sisters friend who slightly resembles john kerry....,,help
This is going to be the time I got green body paint on Chris' ceiling all over again...
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
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