She's a black belt cougar in the 6th degree.
haha i took a picture of myself naked on her camera
She didnt have a camera...
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
I am going to make your legs soar from cumming so much
Like they're going to fly away?
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
Walking into her house she felt something in her bra.... It was a used condom. Sadly enough this is not the first or last time it will happen. It's time for an intervention.
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
