Need sex. Gaining weight.
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
They wear helmets and mouth pieces when they drink...u down?
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
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