can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
youre talking to a girl on facebook chat right now and im sitting behind her in class lol. creepy?
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
we could do so many fantastic illegal things together. sexually and otherwise.
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
His 89 y/o father walked in on us. Judging by the gasp/moan, I don't think the 1920s prepared him to see another dude inside his son.
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
Randomize
