ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
My dick has a subreddit
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
Randomize