I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
Currently studying Econ, while waiting outside current booty call's residence for him to return from the strip club. This is your fault.
most desperate stoner moment might have been when we filled the bong up with pond water
desperate times, desperate measures
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
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