I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
I feel like everything in this room is sweating
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
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