I like my sex mixed with concussions.
I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
Bro, the freshmen are smoking in the park again, do you need ammo for ur paintball gun?
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
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