I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
Nothing says true friendship like 2 people bonding over potentially having AIDS.
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
just won 200$ from the school for "liking" the anti-alcohol seminar. putting it to good use
how?
not even kidding, my fake id is arriving in 6-8 business days
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
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