11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
I mean, keeping the tube socks on AND taking cell phone pictures that he didn't ask for during sex? that's two strikes kiddo.
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
Randomize
