In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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