I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
He's doing the single life. He recently finished like a 3 year relationship. You can't date him.
But I don't want to date him. I just want to look at him. Naked. And in my bed.
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
Due to this morning's events my new porn name is Reepa Nipplov.
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
At least you got some excitement going on, you got weed and might die tonight, I'm just sitting here bored as fuck.
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
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