OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
He walked me home last night across campus while i fed him pasta out of a solo cup at 3 am.
Go ahead. I tried to back up ur budhism story but she mite be catching on
Dammit. I hoped that would work. Just tell her I'm doing my pilgrmidge to Nepal or something.
Dude she's on meds. He has a ginormous penis. Ur A dumbass. That concludes our feelings chat. Dim Sumday?
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
Randomize
