Full bush! Can't stay! Need ride! Come on bro!
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
her boyfriend dumped her for my exgirlfriend. so filming our hookup is pretty much a definite.
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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