Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
Just took my morning after pill in the library
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
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Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
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Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
Dude that's beautiful. I've never heard of someone smoking with their bunny.
I feel like I have a connection with him. A marijuana-induced-spiritual connection.
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
My vagina just clenched in fear
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