I am at a 420 party and i just told a girl "hey, less not getting donuts, more getting donuts"(1-855): and did she get any doughnuts?
No. I am devastated
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
Had sex in a cemetery last night during a thunderstorm. I feel like my goth points have skyrocketed
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
After tacos, we're chasing women.
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Randomize
