all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
Just saw a car towing a guy on skis drive by so that’s how Syracuse is doing today.
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