just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
He moved away. I mourned his dick all of Sunday. I feel a little better now.
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
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Where are you and who are these girls passed out on the floor?
and why are they spooning a flamingo?
they traded weed for a spot on our floor. be nice.
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
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Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
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