anal on a first date. tsk tsk.
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
Pre-game strategy: play thunder by yourself in the shower. Surprisingly, success.
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
I think it was a smart move. Quickest way to get over a guy, hook up with his friends.
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
