Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
Hahhaha I literally just rolled outta bed and went to get beer in my pj's and slippers. God I love graduating
Look at my eyebrows in this pic! We deffo need to go back to that waxing place.
You have a cock in one hand and a shot in the other. Your eyebrows are not the topic in need of discussion.
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
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