GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
we are cooking lunchables pizzas on a fire pit.
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
as she was beating the hell out of his ex, she screamed prison rules, and smashed her head with a beer bottle. I'm oddly afraid yet so attracted to her now.
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
just to let you know its hard to talk to your father while being fingered up against a car..
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
We learned many a lesson today about drug use in canoes
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Randomize
