i don't like sucking hair
so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
I'm just sayin. Is it sad that I spent my last dollar on a hamburger just to get a paper bag to huff out of?
taking a shot every time they compare curling to a real sport
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
He's acting like I should like him more than vodka and Taco Bell, but I just don't ser that happening.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
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