but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
being pregnant is like rehab
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
Sigh. I'll find the right guy one day.
Prince charming is right around the corner and will be freaky as shit!
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
