I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
currently buying a pregnancy test while braless so happy november to you too
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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