where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
Say my name once during sex just to fuck with her. Like when it gets rough.
She said she didn't think she should have to shave either. Guess no shave November just became no sex November.
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
Come on down you're the next contestant on "lets go drinking!"
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
This may have to wait till tomorrow. I smoked so my back wouldn't hurt and I overshot relaxed by like 4 hits casually
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Randomize
