i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
i yelled out "tuesday" during orgasim. he fucked me into 2 days from now.
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
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