I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
Her parties are sponsored by Valtrex. This might not be your best idea.
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
Pretty sure my first birthday present will be a pic of an 18-year-old's cock. And I am OK with that
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
Randomize
