Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
twas supposed to be night one of rebound break but it was night one of get sloppy drunk and dance half naked in an ice shack
Randomize
