I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
pretty sure i had my hand down BOTH their pants at the same time at some point...
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
Randomize
