their songs make me feel all the things I wanna feel. Ya dig?
and what kinds of feelings would these be?
Happy, horny, occasionally hungry
Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
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