My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
He made me leave when I challenged "all you bitches" to a game of strip taboo.
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
I have done everything sexualally imaginable with that umpalumpa
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
We're hate flirting, damnit.
Randomize
