His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
Her vagina is like Vegas. high traffic and full of glitter.
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
We had to go visit his dealer in the hospital to buy some weed.
I feel like everything in this room is sweating
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
They should make eskimo sister bracelets. OMG WE NEED BRACELETS WITH IGLOOS ON THEM.
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
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