Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
Randomize
