if i can run in heels then i can drive
my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
How do you have time to get laid so much in law school?
I like to set goals for myself. for example, he was my first libertarian
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
Please clarify that he is speaking of beer pong and not rough sex
I mean, I already hooked up with her boyfriend. The least I can do is accept her facebook friend request.
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
beach body workouts will consist of dancing and cocaine, and sugar free redbull
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