It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
there's just a random girl here singing about how much she loves fiber
while you laid on the ground I poured water into your mouth out of dog bowl some random guy walks by and said now that's what I like to see.
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
I went to Christian school in the 90s. I can finger blast anything, but dignity.
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
Randomize
