I think I kinda wanna bone that ginger from Harry Potter.
You literally just made my flesh crawl.
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
did she really put a helmet on, try to make a hole in the wall then pass out on the floor ten minutes later? if thats true ill be there in 15
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
Randomize
